It's been a while since I've written a poem. Please don't judge me by this work alone. It's a bit...raw. I'd love you to tear it up. Tell me what you think. And again, i haven't given this a lot of thought. It just came out. Thanks.
The black hole writhes,
taking in any glow or warmth—
a purple taffy pull,
stretching sweetness beyond its strength.
The black hole gapes,
a cloud of tiny tears—
a spaghetti strainer,
letting even light run through in streams.
The black hole is flawless,
an unnatural blemish
with no weakness,
and no cure known to man.
Flying harmonies fill a hole,
one pebble after another.
If only the hourglass was stopped in the middle.
If only music was enough
to keep
my mind
from falling
through this
eternal
darkness
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hey!!!
I couldn't really relate to anything in the first couple of stanzas, but when you got the the last part, it opened up what you were trying to say.
The first stanza was good. But, this.....
.... did not really help your poem at all.
Yeah, definitely fix the "If only" part. That was a terrible mistake.
Otherwise, I liked your poem! The first part was pretty raw, but if you switch the stanzas around a little, I'm sure it would help a lot!
Keep up the good work!
zOe
Thank you! Your honesty is very refreshing, not to mention helpful. I'll get on it!
--Anna
First stanza was okay, but this one...
-the repetitions is quite sloppy, I suggest you remove them.
-last verse is really bouncing from others-it's too long.
-I'm not sure about that comma in the third verse. I'd remove it and put an "and" instead of it. It will sound more naturally.
-but I like how you're gradually introducing us in the poem with the comparisons.
First three stanzas are quatrains and now you have...something. I don't like anything in this stanza.
If only-terrible mistake.
-you've got repetition again which doesn't work
-it doesn't makes any sense. Why would you choose these words if you have many others that would sound much better.
The ending is also bad-I'd go for a short and brief ending here (in one or two verses).
That's it.
I think you're absolutely right! Some change in direction would do this some good. Please, tell me your ideas.
What do you think if I started with
"Flying harmonies fill a hole,
one pebble after another.
If only the hourglass was stopped in the middle.
If only music was enough."
...then, maybe...
"The black hole is flawless,
an unnatural blemish
with no weakness,
and no cure known to man."
"The black hole gapes,
a cloud of tiny tears—
a spaghetti strainer,
letting even light run through in streams."
"If only music was enough
to keep
my mind
from falling
through this
eternal
darkness"
What do you think about the repetition of "if only music was enough"? What do you think about the "falling" of the words instead of keeping them in the same lines?
Then end with...
"The black hole writhes,
taking in any glow or warmth—
a purple taffy pull,
stretching sweetness beyond its strength."
So my whole idea behind this poem was the feeling that there's a spot inside that can't be filled, even by music. It fills it for a moment, but by the next moment, it's gone again. Like a black hole. I would love to hear your ideas on this!
Thanks so much!
--Anna
Hello,
nice screen name by the way.
This is very raw, I agree, and needs some work.
For the first half of the poem I found that I couldn't relate or simply, that I did not understand what you were talking about.
What clued me in was the second half of your poem.
I then realized that your piece has something deep to be expressed, and the gears started clicking. And part of me is really really glad I've given up some things that made this poem painfully relevant.
You might try a complete reverse of stanza order, and try to communicate the stages of your idea in that order.
A lot of the times when I write a poem, I find that I don't quite understand what I'm trying to express until I reach a closing point. If I then rewrite my poem, it's like doing a maze back to front when one has already done it front to back. You have the direction, and the destination.
Guilty secret: I also just really think "a purple taffy pull, stretching sweetness beyond its strength." would be a killer of a way to end your poem.
I have more ideas, and some descriptive words to run by you, but I want to know if tracing your steps helps at all. I'll edit this then if it's a go. I would like to understand a little more behind your ideas first.
M.